My Suicide
by SableShadow
Summary: One-shot. Song-fic. Esme's POV of her suicide. "My baby was gone. There’s nothing left for me here. No more reason to live..."


Disclaimer: I in no way own anything remotely related to the Twilight world and am definetely not Stephenie Meyer and I did this because I was extremely and incredibly bored. I also in no way own the song, the song is by Evanescence.

Please review and if anyone wants to edit for me I'd really appreciate it.

I'm from Australia so some of the grammer and spelling is different.

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Suicide

My baby was gone. There's nothing left for me here. No more reason to live. No more reason to walk the earth. To survive day after painful day on this cursed planet. No more reason to suffer. To endure beatings and betrayals. I deserved peace too, didn't I? Ending all the hurt and pain. One simple step. Just one. And the world disappears. The face of the kind handsome Doctor I'd met as a teenager flashed in front of my eyes as I took that fatal step, over the edge.

_I tried to kill the pain_

_But only brought more_

_I lay dying_

_And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal_

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved_

_Am I too lost?_

Blessed unconsciousness overwhelmed me. Relieved that it would soon all be over, I prayed for nothingness. Just slip away and never think again. Never live. Eternal peace.

Pain in my throat, wrists, ankles. The fires of hell burning through me. Would pain and suffering follow me even into death? Did I not deserve even a small measure of peace? Did God look down on my weakness to end everything, forcing me to endure eternal torture out of spite?

Please, let me just slip away. I've lived through so much, all I want is not to be, not to exist. Even that small comfort was not granted to me.

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

My prayers were heard by nothing and no one. My torture continued, never abating, only seeming to get worse. If there really was a God, at that moment I truly hated him.

The picture of the kind Doctor broke through all the pain clouding my mind and I wished I could see him one last time. He was the only one who had actually ever cared about me, although I hardly knew him.

Would I see him again, in this cursed afterlife? If I survived all this torture, would I see him in the future on his way to Heaven? All I wanted was one last glimpse. And I wondered if he'd even recognise me.

_Do you remember me_

_Lost for so long_

_Will you be on the other side_

_Or will you forget me_

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved_

_Am I too lost?_

This endless pain was born from my desire to end everything. Even the life I had before was Heaven compared to this. My insides were melting in the liquid fire. I wonder how much more I could bear. Was I even able to fall unconscious? Or would this be my endless existence? Please, please let everything end.

If really there was a God, then He wasn't listening.

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

Please, let it all end. Let me slip into the endless oblivion. Let me have some peace. _Please._ Let me not exist in any form. I just want the pain to stop.

_I want to die!!_

God, if you have any mercy, let it all end. I never want to feel again. I never want to know again. I never want to _be_ again.

Let this be my end. Let the darkness swallow me. Please. I pray for it to end.

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

Through my pain-induced haze, I saw the figure of God tower over me. I hoped that this would be the end. That he'd finally decided to give me peace. Every part of me screamed for the void. Screamed for a place where nothing exists.

God didn't answer my prayers. Would I live eternally in this pain? Would I have to endure it for so long that one day I won't even notice it? Won't even remember what it was like without pain? My soul cried. Cried for forgiveness, cried for the unattainable peace denied me. I just wanted to not feel.

_My wounds cry for the grave_

_My soul cries for deliverance_

_Will I be denied Christ_

_Tourniquet_

_My suicide_

The pain was lessening, and I could see more details of God. I knew I was dead; my heart didn't beat in my chest. Was I somehow given a reprieve from my fate? As I really _saw_ the face of God, my thoughts ran wild through my mind. It was the face of the kind Doctor I had met all those years ago. Did that mean I was somehow admitted to Heaven? That face and that compassion could only belong in Heaven. Maybe _being_ wasn't so bad after all. If this was God, then I would welcome existence.

He offered me his hand and I took eagerly. Instead of the end, this could be a new beginning.


End file.
